Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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