Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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