yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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