Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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