I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
