let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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