I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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