My Higher Power is John Stamos
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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