oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
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I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
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You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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