Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
