On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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