saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
