just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
