I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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