she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
