She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
