I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Randomize
