I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
