I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
