I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
