dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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