i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
