You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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