Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
