I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
