I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
