Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
