I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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