I CAN MOONWALK!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
