what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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