His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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