After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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