If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
