Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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