life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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