They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
