It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
