just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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