he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
