I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
