...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm like, not good at living.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
