and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Randomize
