I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
