she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
