when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
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You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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