Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
