dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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