where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
