This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
