So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
