Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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