i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
