I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
