I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
