Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize