When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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