Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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