Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
