I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
